Ma’am, It’s A Japanese Restaurant. I’m Obliged To Ask If You Want Chopsticks.

January 27, 2007

I’m serving an Asian family of five last night. Why is it Asians are so frickin’ upity? It’s not them the Chinese are going after when they build up the balls to take over the world.

Me: (As I pass out the salads) “Would you like some chopsticks, ma’am?”
Her: “Oh. Just because I’m Vietnamese, you think I’d want chopsticks?”
Me: “Ummm…no?”
Her: “Oh, so now you’re a smart-ass.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Her: “Just give me the chopsticks.”
Me: “So…you…do want them?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Does anyone else want chopsticks?”
Everyone Else At The Table: “No.”


Three Day Vacation From Work.

October 26, 2006

I’m planning a little get-together at my house this Sunday night for Halloween. If any readers live anywhere near Florida and wants to attend, just shoot me an email at I’ll be more than happy to give you the directions.

P.S. If anyone wants to know, yes, I will be inviting the new illegal immigrant dishwashers and busboys from work. It will be a hell of a time.

I Haven’t Been To Work In Three Days.

September 13, 2006

So, I’m looking at my site’s stats and I notice that it’s coming up on a bunch of different search engines. What’s more, I can track exactly what words someone typed into a search engine to get to my site. Here are some of my favorite:

1. gay dudes
2. why we need toilets
3. break your back sex
4. hot old grandmas and grandpas
5. i need toilet paper
6. Mind of Mencias t-shirts

I especially like numbers 4 and 5. Number 4 for the obvious, number 5 because someone thinks Google can clean up their dirty ass. 

Mr. Han: Not Nearly As Uncool As Once Thought.

August 27, 2006

Everyone at work smokes. So, naturally, I pretend I do to have an excuse to go out back every hour or so for a few minutes to get away from the people demanding sprinkles and coffee (which we don’t have, lady).

Anyways, I go outside and our new head sushi chef, Mr. Han, is out there smoking a cigarette. He used to work only one or two days a week, but our head sushi guy (i’m not kidding) got sick of America and decided to go back to South Korea. Way to weigh your options, pal.

As I walk outside, Mr. Han taps me on the shoulder, points to a jet in the sky and says “Plane.”

“Yea. It sure is,” I reply.

He then pantomimes jumping out of an airplane, points to himself and says, “Me. Uh…South Korean special forces.”

Me: “You jumped out of planes? How many times?”
Mr. Han: “Uh…three…four hundred times?”
Me: “Damn.”
Mr. Han: “In South Korea…20, 21, 22…you in army.”
Me: “How long were you in the army?”
Mr. Han: “Three years…four years…five years.”
Me: “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Mr. Han: “Uh…14…15?”

Holy frickin’ crank. With just this exchange, Mr. Han has already reached a level of badass I will never attain. But there’s more:

Mr. Han: “I not know for sure…”
Me: “Why not?”

He then thinks it over and then (no lie) makes a “throwing a grenade” motion and then shrugs his shoulders to suggest he doesn’t know how many North Koreans he killed because he just wildly threw grenades around on the battlefield.

Mr. Han, thank you for being such an amazing man.

Dammit, Jay. You’re An Idiot.

August 21, 2006

Backstory: Jay is our boss and owns the restaurant.

So the avocado we use in our sushi rolls wasn’t ripe enough for our boss, Jay. So what does he do? He acts like any dumbass would and puts the avocado next to the heater for some undetermined amount of time to “speed up the ripening process”.

So far, Kelsey has thrown up in the bathroom, Laisay and Liz have complained of stomach pains, and every customer that has gotten a sushi roll with avocado in it has sent back the roll. What a douche.

P.S. If any more of you frickin’ douches come in wearing “Mind of Mencia” t-shirts, I’m spilling soup all over you and your family.