Last night was a slow night…made probably 30 bucks. But, as slow nights usually go, I found myself making small talk with random people to try and boost my tips. As I was walking up to one table to take up two women’s dishes, I heard one of them whisper:
“Let’s ask our waiter…he looks like HE’S seen Brokeback Mountain.”
Now let’s stop right there. What is it about me that screams, “This kid’s seen Brokeback Mountain”. Nothing against gay dudes, but I’d rather that not be the first thing running through someone’s head when they see me. Just like all you gay dudes don’t want me popping up in stranger’s heads when they see YOU. I’m sure all you gay dudes understand.
Anyway, as I’m gathering their plates I say, “Excuse me?” with a flirtatious smile on my face because 1) an obviously younger man conveying to an older women that she is attractive is a sure-fire way to get some serious tips and 2) they were actually attractive, and attractive thirty-something moms are my weakness.
Mom 1: “Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t think you heard me.”
Me: “No, it’s cool. What about me liking ‘Brokeback Mountain’?”
Mom 1: “Did you see it?”
Me: “Some of it, yea.”
Backstory: Firstly, my girlfriend suggested it. Secondly, I only watched about 45 minutes of it (butt-sex scene included; only mildly gross). Thirdly, I don’t know why it won an Oscar. Everyone’s talking about how good it was and how revolutionary it’s going to be. It wasn’t “revolutionary”, you idiots, unless “bad acting” is the coming revolution.
Mom 1: “What did you think?”
Me: “Eh…didn’t really like it all that much. You?”
With that simple response, I pretty much doomed whatever tip they were going to give me.
Mom 1: “What didn’t you like about it? Was it because it was about gays?”
Me: “No. It just wasn’t good.”
Mom 2: (whispers and mumbles) “Homophobe.”
Me: “I’m not a homophobe. I’m a bad-movie-a-phobe.”
I dare anyone to tell me that that movie was good and deserved an Oscar. The only thing that flick had going for it was the cameo appearance made by Randy Quaid. And the fact that you get at least seven minutes of Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams (that chick from Dawson’s Creek) boob-action combined in the first hour.
In the words of my girlfriend, both pair are “spec-freakin’-tacular”. Check it out.